Maryann
is so
focused she's blind. She's slipped over
the edge of
responsibility and forgot the real reason she is working so hard. It's
for her daughter.
Being a single parent isn't easy. Between
working, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and homework, there isn't
much time left in the day. It's a heavy burden to be the sole supporter
of a young child. But when pressures and tensions are so great that
harmful words spill out like bitter pills, isn't it time to stop and
take inventory?
"Clean your room or I'm gonna kill you!" "If you
don't do your homework right now, I'll break your neck!" "Just leave me
alone, I've had a rough day."
These statements came from a woman
who loves her daughter and she's working hard to provide for her. If
you asked Maryann, she'd say she would do anything in the world for her
child. But why can't she see that respectful communication conveys love
more than a new pair of shoes ever will? And why does she have to be
reminded to treat her child with respect?
Maryann isn't alone.
Life is frustrating. We've all heard parents, married, single or
otherwise, speak to their children in anger. As adults, we've all
rolled our eyes at the dramatic threats, knowing full well they have no
intention of being carried out. But does a child know these are simply
dumb words spoken in frustration? Does a child know that the violent
threats of bodily harm are hollow?
Whether over the top displays
of drama are blurted in anger, or merely used to snap a child to
attention, the results are unhealthy and damaging.
When little
Billy tells a classmate he is going to kill him over a broken crayon,
where do you think he learned that response from? And in today's
climate, do you think anyone would consider it just an innocent
statement from an innocent child? Billy would be sent to the
principal's office on the spot. And if not, he would certainty be
called down after the victim of his harsh words went home and told his
parents and they reported it to the school.
What happens when
your child gets a little older and has a real problem? What if he needs
to talk about drugs or alcohol? Or she has a problem in school, or a
question about boys? Repeatedly belittling your child with angry words
and intimidation will break down the barriers of communication long
before you even reach this point. If you threaten to "kill" your child
over a messy room, what would you do if she told you she was having sex?
Anger
has a way of creating very colorful and exaggerated statements. Parents
and caregivers need to make a concerted effort to remove these damaging
phrases from their vocabulary by controlling anger. Save the drama for
a time when it is really needed. On occasion, shocking statements do
have a place in parenting, but used on a daily basis, they will only
sever to create fear or simply numb your child to your words.
Search
your vocabulary; are you unintentionally damaging the relationship you
have with your child? Here are some steps to help you take control when
you feel frustration and anger rise.
- Take
a deep breath, not from your chest, but pulling from your diaphragm.
Slowly exhale. As you do this, picture your words evaporate into the
air.
- Lift your hand, palm out, in a stopping
motion. This will indicate to your child that you need a moment and
serve to remind you that you are stopping yourself from anger.
- Calmly tell yourself to relax as you continue
to
breathe deeply.
- Wait
until you feel in control. When you speak, intentionally bring your
voice down, not to a whisper, but to a soft, paced level.
- Then logically explain the reason for your
anger to
your child, voiding threats and harsh criticism.
- It's
okay to say you are disappointed or upset about a messy room or a bad
grade, but focus on the problem and offer a solution or deliver a fair
ultimatum.
- If punishment is necessary, make it
realistic. I don't know of a single parent that took away television
privileges from their child for the rest of their life.
- Follow through on your words.
- If you do get angry, offer your child an
apology, not
an excuse. Take blame for your actions.
- Closely
examine the situation that triggered your anger. Was it really your
child? Is there an underlying factor? If so, what can you do to correct
the situation or avoid it in the future?
Anger
is a natural emotion. It can't be completely controlled or removed from
our lives, but you can change the way you handle things. In doing so,
you gain an invaluable gift, a respectful relationship with your child.
Healthy communication is a parent's weapon against the outside world. A
child should turn to his parent in times of trouble, not run away in
fear.
Patricia Gatto and
John
De
Angelis
are the authors of MILTON'S DILEMMA, the tale of a lonely boy's magical
journey to friendship and self-acceptance. As advocates for literacy
and children's rights, the authors speak at schools and community
events to foster awareness and provide children with a safe and healthy
learning environment. For more information, please visit Joyful
Productions at http://www.joyfulproductions.com
pgatto@ptd.net
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