April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month.  Child abuse, which seems so black and white to some, is considered to be a very controversial subject.  Because the definition of child abuse differs from culture to culture, from generation to generation, and even amongst medical and social professionals, it is difficult to obtain concrete statistics.  The facts are what one professional calls abuse may or may not be documented as child abuse by a legal entity.  The only undeniable fact you can come away with is most cases of child abuse are never reported. 

Maryann is so focused she's blind. She's slipped over the edge of responsibility and forgot the real reason she is working so hard. It's for her daughter.

Being a single parent isn't easy. Between working, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning and homework, there isn't much time left in the day. It's a heavy burden to be the sole supporter of a young child. But when pressures and tensions are so great that harmful words spill out like bitter pills, isn't it time to stop and take inventory?

"Clean your room or I'm gonna kill you!" "If you don't do your homework right now, I'll break your neck!" "Just leave me alone, I've had a rough day."

These statements came from a woman who loves her daughter and she's working hard to provide for her. If you asked Maryann, she'd say she would do anything in the world for her child. But why can't she see that respectful communication conveys love more than a new pair of shoes ever will? And why does she have to be reminded to treat her child with respect?

Maryann isn't alone. Life is frustrating. We've all heard parents, married, single or otherwise, speak to their children in anger. As adults, we've all rolled our eyes at the dramatic threats, knowing full well they have no intention of being carried out. But does a child know these are simply dumb words spoken in frustration? Does a child know that the violent threats of bodily harm are hollow?

Whether over the top displays of drama are blurted in anger, or merely used to snap a child to attention, the results are unhealthy and damaging.

When little Billy tells a classmate he is going to kill him over a broken crayon, where do you think he learned that response from? And in today's climate, do you think anyone would consider it just an innocent statement from an innocent child? Billy would be sent to the principal's office on the spot. And if not, he would certainty be called down after the victim of his harsh words went home and told his parents and they reported it to the school.

What happens when your child gets a little older and has a real problem? What if he needs to talk about drugs or alcohol? Or she has a problem in school, or a question about boys? Repeatedly belittling your child with angry words and intimidation will break down the barriers of communication long before you even reach this point. If you threaten to "kill" your child over a messy room, what would you do if she told you she was having sex?

Anger has a way of creating very colorful and exaggerated statements. Parents and caregivers need to make a concerted effort to remove these damaging phrases from their vocabulary by controlling anger. Save the drama for a time when it is really needed. On occasion, shocking statements do have a place in parenting, but used on a daily basis, they will only sever to create fear or simply numb your child to your words.

Search your vocabulary; are you unintentionally damaging the relationship you have with your child? Here are some steps to help you take control when you feel frustration and anger rise.

• Take a deep breath, not from your chest, but pulling from your diaphragm. Slowly exhale. As you do this, picture your words evaporate into the air.
• Lift your hand, palm out, in a stopping motion. This will indicate to your child that you need a moment and serve to remind you that you are stopping yourself from anger.
• Calmly tell yourself to relax as you continue to breathe deeply.
• Wait until you feel in control. When you speak, intentionally bring your voice down, not to a whisper, but to a soft, paced level.
• Then logically explain the reason for your anger to your child, voiding threats and harsh criticism.
• It's okay to say you are disappointed or upset about a messy room or a bad grade, but focus on the problem and offer a solution or deliver a fair ultimatum.
• If punishment is necessary, make it realistic. I don't know of a single parent that took away television privileges from their child for the rest of their life.
• Follow through on your words.
• If you do get angry, offer your child an apology, not an excuse. Take blame for your actions.
• Closely examine the situation that triggered your anger. Was it really your child? Is there an underlying factor? If so, what can you do to correct the situation or avoid it in the future?

Anger is a natural emotion. It can't be completely controlled or removed from our lives, but you can change the way you handle things. In doing so, you gain an invaluable gift, a respectful relationship with your child. Healthy communication is a parent's weapon against the outside world. A child should turn to his parent in times of trouble, not run away in fear.

Karen, a single never-married thirty-year old attorney has a four-year old daughter, whom she just picked up from her parents’ home after another all-day affair in court.

Like every Thursday, Karen took her daughter, Anna, to McDonald’s for dinner, which was a very special mother-daughter bonding time. Karen ordered a salad for her and a kid’s meal for Anna. To Anna’s delight, the kid’s meal came with some crayons. While they were eating, Anna turned over the paper trayliner and began to draw a circle with some numbers just inside the perimeter of the circle. Instead of staring out the window like she usually did, Karen looked at what Anna was drawing.

“Whatcha drawin’ sweetie?” Karen asked. “A clock,” Anna said. “Are you sure it’s a clock? It’s got more than twelve numbers in the circle.” “I know, Mommy. It’s a clock for you. You said there’s not enough time in the day.”

Tears formed in Karen’s eyes.

“Why are you crying, Mommy?” asked Anna. “There isn’t enough time in the day, sweetheart. You and I have to make some more time – time for each other,” said Karen. “I didn’t know that you liked to draw so much.” “Oh I do, Mommy. Gramma lets me draw anytime I want to,” said Anna. “She does?” “Yep. We went to the bookstore today and she bought me a coloring book.” “So that’s what was in that bag. You’ve got a good grandma, honey.” “I know. She told me that YOU used to like to draw, too. When you were a little girl.” “That’s right,“ Karen said softly and was not sure if Anna heard her. “I DID used to draw a lot and do a lot of sketches,” she spoke in normal tone. “Sketches?” asked Anna “Oh, sketches. Sketches are drawings with pencils.” “Can we do some sketches at home?” “Why of course. Tell you what. When we get home, I’m gonna look for some sketches that I used to do and show you.” “Okay,” said Anna excitedly.

When they finished dinner and got home, Anna showed her mother the coloring book that her grandmother had bought her. While Karen was looking for her sketches, Anna came to Karen’s room every time she finished with coloring a page. Karen gave her daughter kisses, praise and encouragement every time Anna showed her another page of her work.

Karen finally found her old sketches and went into the kitchen where Anna was drawing. To Karen’s surprise, there were drawings on the doors of the white cabinets. Anna had drawn on two kitchen cabinet doors.

“Isn’t it pretty, Mommy?” asked Anna. Karen’s jaw dropped. She was stunned and could not move for several seconds.

Anna finally broke the silence, “Gramma’s kitchen is colorful. I want our kitchen to be colorful. Do you like it, Mommy?”

Karen backed into one of the kitchen walls and lowered her body to the ground until she was sitting on the floor. She cried profusely. Anna was confused why her mother was crying. When she showed her mother some of her work in her coloring book, her mother was happy and excited. Now, her mother is crying.

“You don’t like it, Mommy?” Anna finally asked. Karen was finally able to talk, “No, sweetheart. I like your drawings. It’s just that when I was a little girl, I did the same thing on gramma’s walls.” “Did she like it?” asked Anna. Karen was breathing deeply, almost hyper-ventilating and said, “She screamed at me.” Karen was now breathing more normal. “She screamed at me,” she said softly. “Why?” asked Anna. “Because I was supposed to color on the paper. I was supposed to follow the rules. I had messed up gramma’s cabinets.” “Did I mess up your cabinets?” “No, sweetheart,” Karen said quickly. “Those cabinets needed some color. I want you to keep on drawing, okay? But I will get you some bigger drawing paper for you so you can make me some bigger pictures.” “Wow! I will make the bigger pictures even prettier!” Anna said with anticipation. “How come you stopped drawing, Mommy?” Anna asked her Karen innocently. Karen took a deep breath and said. “Because I got shut down by what happened to me when I was about your age?” “Huh?” Anna asked confusingly. “I will explain it to you when you are older, sweetheart. Keep on drawing in the meantime.”